TEASER
SCENE A
FADE IN:
INT. JOEY AND CHANDLER'S APARTMENT - DAY (DAY 11
(Joey, Chandler)
A VERY EXCITED JOEY STANDS NEXT TO CHANDLER, WHOSE EYES
ARE CLOSED.
CHANDLER
If the surprise is you're finally
going to propose, the answer is
yes, yes, a million times yes]
JOEY
Okay, you can open them!
HE DOES. THE LIVING ROOM HAS BEEN TRANSFORMED. THE
OLD TV AND CHAIRS HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY A NEW 35-INCH
TV AND TWO BLACK LEATHER RECLINING CHAIRS. CHANDLER
GASPS, HAND TO HIS MOUTH.
JOEY
My option's been picked up at "Days
of Our Lives!" Dr. Drake Ramoray's
gonna be saving lives and sleeping
with patients for another ten
weeks!
CHANDLER
(APPROACHING TV, AWED) Sweet
Mother of All That is Good and
Pure.
The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 2
(A)
JOEY
It's 35-inch, surround-sound and
it's got picture-in-picture. This
morning I put Bea Arthur's head on
Daisy Fuentes's body!
CHANDLER
There's a fantasy finally come
true. So... which one's mine?
JOEY
Which ever one you want, man.
Which ever one you want.
CHANDLER
Here goes. (SINKING INTO THE
CHAIR) Oh, yessss...
JOEY JUMPS INTO THE OTHER CHAIR.
JOEY
Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
THEY EACH GRAB THEIR CHAIR'S OTTOMAN LEVER.
CHANDLER
Dare we?
JOEY
We dare.
THEY PULL AT THE SAME TIME AND THEIR FEET ARE INSTANTLY
RAISED TO THE FAMILIAR "CLANK-THUMP" SOUND.
JOEY/CHANDLER
Ooooowwwoooowwwwwhhhhhh.
CUT TO:
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 3.
(I/B)
ACT ONE
SCENE B
FADE IN:
INT. JOEY AND CHANDLER'S APT. - LATER THAT DAY (DAY 11
(Phoebe, Monica, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey)
JOEY AND CHANDLER ARE STILL IN THEIR FANCY CHAIRS AS
PHOEBE, ROSS AND MONICA ADMIRE THE NEW SET-UP.
PHOEBE
I can't believe two whole cows made
the ultimate sacrifice just so you
guys can watch TV with your feet
V up.
CHANDLER
They were chair-shaped cows. They
never would've survived in the
wild.
ROSS
That screen is amazing. Dick Van
Dyke is practically life-size.
SUDDENLY, THEY ALL JUMP BACK FROM THE SET.
MONICA
Rose Marie really belongs on a
smaller screen, doesn't she?
RACHEL ENTERS.
The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 4.
(I/B)
RACHEL
Hi, you guys. (TO ROSS; MOONY)
Hey, you.
ROSS
(EQUALLY SMITTEN) Hey, you.
JOEY
Rachel? Heh? New TV and chairs?
RACHEL
Oh. Yeah. (BACK TO ROSS, SMILING)
So, how was your day?
ROSS
Oh, you know. Pretty much the
V usual. Sun shining, birds singing.
RACHEL
(PLEASED) Yeah, mine, too.
PHOEBE
Oh, wow! Mine, too!
SFX; ROSS'S BEEPER BEEPS
ROSS
(TO IT, ANNOYED) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(TO THE OTHERS) I gotta get back
to the museum. Big Prehistoric Man
exhibit opening Monday.
CHANDLER
(TO JOEY) That's why all the
banks are closed!
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 5.
ROSS
(TO RACHEL) So, I'll see you
tonight.
RACHEL
Okay.
NOT SURE WHETHER TO KISS OR NOT, THEY LEAN IN, THEN
BACK OUT, TRYING TO MATCH UP, UNTIL ROSS ENDS UP
KISSING HER EAR. AD-LIB GOODBYES. ROSS EXITS.
MONICA
"Tonight"? What's "tonight"?
RACHEL
It's our first date. (LIKES THE
SOUND OF IT) Our first date.
( MONICA
(POINTEDLY) Uh, hello.
RACHEL
(AT A LOSS) Hi.
MONICA
Tonight? You're supposed to
waitress for me? My catering
thing? Any of these words
triggering anything?
RACHEL
Oh god, oh god. You're right.
B u t — it's our first date.
'The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 6.
(I/B)
MONICA
I know, but my mom got me this job,
and if it doesn't go well...
PHOEBE
I can be a waitress.
RACHEL
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
(TO MONICA) See? Phoebe?.
MONICA
(UNEASILY) Really, Pheebs? It
can't be like your "I can be a bear
cub" thing. You would need to be
an actual waitress.
PHOEBE
I can definitely do it. I can even
take some of the plates and spin
them. You know, on like sticks and
stuff.
MONICA
No-no-no-no-no. You just need to
carry them.
PHOEBE
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh, it's that
kind of party.
CUT TO: yfnffiftV
*The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 7.
(I/C)
/^^N
SCENE C
INT. DR. BURKE'S KITCHEN - THAT NIGHT (NIGHT 11
(Phoebe, Monica, Dr. Burke)
IT'S THE EMPTY KITCHEN OF A NICE APARTMENT ON THE UPPER
EAST SIDE.
SFX: KNOCK ON THE SERVICE DOOR
DR. RICHARD BURKE. A SUCCESSFUL OPHTHAMOLOGIST IN HIS
LATE 40'S, ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM. HE'S VERY
DASHING IN HIS TUXEDO, CROSSING TO THE DOOR, ADJUSTING
HIS TIE. HE OPENS THE DOOR REVEALING MONICA AND
PHOEBE HOLDING TRAYS OF PRE-PREPARED FOOD FOR THE
PARTY.
PHOEBE
(GASPS) It's James Bond.
DR. BURKE
(EYEING THEM, CONFUSED) Ummm...
I'm sorry, is Monica Geller not
coming? I was told she —
MONICA
Dr. Burke, it's me.
DR. BURKE
Monica? My god, you used to be
so — (STOPPING HIMSELF) You look
great.
MONICA
My mom didn't tell you I lost the
weight, did she?
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 8.
(I/C)
DR. BURKE
All your Mom told me you lost was
your job.
MONICA
Aha.
DR. BURKE
Although she did mention your
brother got a promotion at the
museum and he's living in a doorman
building.
MONICA
Thaaat's my mom.
DR. BURKE
(TAKING TRAY FROM PHOEBE) Let me
help you with that.
MONICA
This is Phoebe. She's going to be
helping me tonight.
DR. BURKE
Hi, Phoebe. Nice to meet you.
PHOEBE
(BREATHLESSLY) Hummm!
DR. BURKE
You want this in the fridge?
MONICA
That'd be great.
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 9.
(I/C)
WHEN HIS BACK IS TURNED:
PHOEBE
(MOUTHING) Oh-my-god-he's-so-cute!
MONICA
(SSHING HER) Manamanamana.
DR. BURKE
(TO MONICA) So how've you been?
MONICA
I've been great. Just great.
(SYMPATHETICALLY TILTING HER HEAD)
How've vou been?
DR. BURKE
'• Well, obviously you know Barbara
and I split up or you wouldn't have
done the head-tilt.
MONICA
The head tilt?
DR. BURKE
Since the divorce, whenever anyone
asks me how I am, it's always with
a sympathetic head-tilt.
(DEMONSTRATES) "How ya doing? You
okay?"
MONICA
("* Oh, God, I'm sorry.
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 10.
(I/C)
DR. BURKE
No, no, it's fine. Believe me, I
do it too. I always answer with
the "I'm okay" head-bob.
(DEMONSTRATING) "I'm okay."
(TILT) "You sure?" (BOB) "Yeah,
I'm fine." (THEN) Anyway, I'll
let you guys set up. I've got to
go pick out the music. My son
Donnie just gave me a ten
CD-changer. Unfortunately, the
divorce left me with only four CD's
to change.
MONICA/PHOEBE
(INADVENTENTLY TILTING) Ohh.
That's too bad.
DR. BURKE
(BOBBING) I'll survive.
CAUGHT, THEY STRAIGHTEN THEIR HEADS. DR. BURKE
SMILES AND EXITS TO THE LIVING ROOM.
CUT TO:
. /^N,
The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 11.
(I/D)
t.
SCENE D
INT. JOEY AND CHANDLER'S APT. - SAME TIME (NIGHT 11
(Joey, Chandler)
JOEY AND CHANDLER HAVEN'T MOVED FROM THE CHAIRS.
CHANDLER
(INTO PHONE) Yeah, two larges —
extra cheese on both. But listen,
don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring
20. Geller/Green. They'll let you
.•j**""*- in. If you buzz our door,
there's no tip. Thanks. (HE HANGS
UP) Pizza's on the way. I told
you we wouldn't have to get up.
JOEY
What if we have to pee?
CHANDLER
(PICKING UP PHONE) I'll cancel the
sodas.
AS CHANDLER STARTS TO DIAL, WE...
CUT TO:
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 12.
(I/E)
SCENE E
INT. DR. BURKE'S KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER (NIGHT 11
(Monica, Phoebe, Dr. Burke)
DR. BURKE IS WITH MONICA. THEY'RE LAUGHING.
DR. BURKE
Don't make me!
MONICA
You can't spend the whole night in
the kitchen! It's your party!
-{** DR. BURKE
But they're so dull! They're all
opthomologists!
MONICA
You're an opthomologist!
DR. BURKE
Only 'cause my parents wanted me to
be! I wanted to be a sheriff.
PHOEBE ENTERS. LAUGHING OVER HER SHOULDER TO SOME
UNSEEN GUEST.
PHOEBE
That's funny. Cadillac-cataract.
I get it. No, I get it. stay out
(^ there! i
THE DOOR CLOSES. SHE FIRES AN IMAGINARY PISTOL AT HER
HEAD.
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 13.
(I/E)
DR. BURKE
(TO MONICA) You see?!
MONICA
All right, tell you what: I promise
I'll come get you in five minutes
with some kind of hors d'oeuvre
emergency.
DR. BURKE
You better.
HE SMILES AND EXITS.
PHOEBE
You are so smitten!
MONICA
I am not!
PHOEBE
Uh, huh. You're a "meow meow
smitten kitten." You should ask
him out.
MONICA
Dr. Burke?? I don't think so.
He's like... a grown-up.
PHOEBE
So? You two are totally into each
other.
""The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 14.
(I/E)
l-V
MONICA
He's one of my parents' best
friends!
PHOEBE
He's really dreamy...
MONICA
He's, like, twenty years older than
me!
PHOEBE
So, then... what? You're just
never going to see him again?
MONICA
Not "never." (FUMPHING) I'm going
to see him... tomorrow. For an eye
appointment.
PHOEBE
Didn't you, like, just get your
eyes checked?
MONICA
(COVERING) Yeah, well, the eyes
are important, you know, and 27 is
a dangerous... eye... age.
PHOEBE .
(KNOWINGLY) And he's really hot
and smells incredible?
"•'The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 15. *
** (I/E) "?
€
^..i;
- / j ! ^\
MONICA
Yeah, pretty much that... the eye
thing and that.
ON PHOEBE'S SMUG SMILE...
CUT TO:
The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 16.
(I/H)
SCENE H
INT. MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT
(NIGHT 11
(Rachel, Ross, Monica)
RACHEL AND ROSS ARE COMING IN FROM THEIR DATE.
THEY'VE HAD A GREAT TIME.
RACHEL
No, no, I'm hot saying it was a bad
movie. Just at times, it was a
little hard to follow.
•{&**• ROSS
I told you there were going to be
subtitles.
RACHEL
I know. (COY) I just didn't want
to wear glasses on our first date.
• HE SMILES AND KISSES HER. AFTER A MOMENT:
RACHEL
(MUFFLED) Mmmmonica.
ROSS
Okay, when I'm kissing you, it
would really help if you didn't
call out my sister's name.
"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 17.
(I/H)
RACHEL
No, no. (CALLING OUT) Monica?
(THERE'S NO ANSWER) Just checking.
SHE DIVES BACK INTO THE KISS. ROSS EMBRACES HER. IT
BUILDS. SUDDENLY, RACHEL STARTS GIGGLING.
ROSS
(AMUSED) What?
RACHEL
I'm sorry. It's just that... well,
when you moved your hands to my
butt, it was like "Hey, Ross's
hands are on my butt!"
ROSS
And that's funny... why?
RACHEL
It's not. I'm sorry. (COMPOSING
HERSELF) I'm good now.
THEY START KISSING AGAIN. BEAT. RACHEL BREAKS UP,
GIGGLING.
ROSS
My hands were nowhere near your
butt!
RACHEL
I know! I'm sorry! I was just
thinking about your hands on my
^ - butt.
(MORE)
^Jf^^y
v~
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 18.
(I/H)
RACHEL (CONT'D)
Look, I guess I'm just a little
nervous. I mean... it's you, you
know?
ROSS
(THIN SMILE) No.
RACHEL
It's, like, when I was putting on
my bra, I was thinking: "Is Ross
going to be taking this off
tonight?"
ROSS
You know, I would, but I'm just not
feeling that funny.
RACHEL
I'm sorry. I promise I won't
laugh. Now come on, put your hands
back on my butt.
SHE KISSES HIM. AFTER A MOMENT, HIS HANDS BEGIN TO
DRIFT DOWN TO HER BUTT. JUST BEFORE THEY LAND, HE
PULLS AWAY.
ROSS
I can't now.
RACHEL
Oh, come on. Put 'em back. Don't
/** be a baby.
I
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 19.
d/H)
ROSS
I'm not being a baby. The moment's
gone.
MONICA ENTERS. ROSS AND RACHEL DON'T SEE HER.
RACHEL
Come on, touch my butt.
ROSS
No.
.RACHEL
Just one cheek.
ROSS
Too late.
RACHEL
How 'bout if I touch your butt?
ROSS
I don't think so.
MONICA
Nothing is easy with you two, is
it?
AND WE...
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
""The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 20.
(II/J)
ACT TWO
SCENE J
FADE IN:
INT. JOEY AND CHANDLER'S APARTMENT - NEXT DAY (DAY 21
(Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel)
JOEY AND CHANDLER, STILL SITTING IN THE CHAIRS, ARE
TOTALLY CAPTIVATED BY SOMETHING ON TV. THEY ARE
WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES AS THE DAY BEFORE.
CHANDLER
Look at that. The car is on fire,
and yet somehow its expensive paint
job is protected by the miracle
wax.
JOEY
That truly is an Amazing Discovery.
CHANDLER
(LOOKING AT JOEY) You've, uh, got
a Cheeto on your face.
JOEY FEELS FOR IT, PULLING IT OFF.
JOEY
Thanks, man.
HE POPS IT IN HIS MOUTH. ROSS ENTERS.
ROSS
Have you guys not gotten out of
those chairs all night?
-••The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 21.
(II/J)
v..
v night?
JOEY
You got a way we can watch this
TV from those bedrooms?
CHANDLER
And forget about rigging up some
cockamamie system of pulleys and
mirrors, my friend, because...
(NEAR TEARS, POINTING) ...the
string is all the way
over there!
JOEY
So, how'd the big date go last
ROSS
It was good. It was really
good. (THEN) So, listen —
apropos of nothing — have either
of you guys ever been fooling
around with a girl and she couldn't
stop laughing?
CHANDLER
Yeah, but it was 1982 and my "Flock
of Sea Gulls" haircut was tickling
her chin.
'"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 22.
J0»\ (II/J)
JOEY
Man, I've been with these giggly
girls. They're, freaks. You gotta
dump 'em. And you gotta do it
guick. Trust me, I know these
things.
CHANDLER
Joey, I think he's talking about
Rachel.
JOEY
Oh. Right. Well, Rachel's great.
You definitely shouldn't dump her.
RACHEL ENTERS. AD-LIB HELLOS.
RACHEL
(TO ROSS, WHISPERED) Uh, listen, I
was thinking about last night...
CHANDLER
Oh, yeah. When you lower your
voice like that we can't hear a
thing.
ROSS
(TO RACHEL) Hallway?
RACHEL
Definitely.
AS THEY CROSS TO THE FRONT DOOR:
9
-™The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 23.
(H/J)
JOEY
(RE: TV) See, now, a laser beam
would burn right through your
ordinary car wax.
RESET TO:
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
(Ross, Rachel)
ROSS LEADS RACHEL OUT INTO THE HALL.
RACHEL
Okay. About the whole laughing
thing? I am really, really, really
sorry.
ROSS
It's fine. Look, you wanna try
again tonight? See another movie?
RACHEL
No.
ROSS
(GULPS) N-no?
RACHEL
No, I don't want to go to a movie.
'Cause people who are just friends
go to movies.
ROSS
Couples go to movies all the time.
RACHEL
Well, yeah, but —
""The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 24.
(H/J)
ROSS
No, seriously. That's why they
call them "date movies". People
who are on dates go to movies. I
mean —
RACHEL
Ross! Ross. Work with me.
(SOFTER) What I'm getting to is...
I made reservations for a romantic,
candle-lit dinner for two...
(COZIER) You and me... Ross and
Rachel... who are now more than
V just friends. Is that okay with
you?
IF ROSS WORE GLASSES, THEY'D BE FOGGED UP.
ROSS
(MOUTH DRY) Y-yeah. Okay. Me.
THEY HUG, KISS. SUDDENLY...
SFX: LOUD THUMP ON CHANDLER AND JOEY'S DOOR
ROSS OPENS THE DOOR, LOOKS DOWN, PICKS UP A SHOE.
ROSS (CONT'D)
What's this?
CHANDLER (O.S.)
Can you get us a couple beers?
f^ ROSS THROWS THE SHOE BACK AT THEM AND CLOSES THE DOOR.
CUT TO:
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 25.
(II/K)
„ /UJ^V
SCENE K
INT. DR. BURKE'S OFFICE - DAY (DAY 21
(Monica, Dr. Burke)
MONICA IS IN THE EXAM CHAIR WITH HER FACE PRESSED INTO
THE EYE-EXAM MACHINE (THE "PHOROPTER"). DR. BURKE
ADJUSTS SOME DIALS.
DR. BURKE
Okay, Monica. I'll drop in
different lens settings and you
just tell me if it seems better or
worse.
MONICA
Okie-doke.
DR. BURKE SCOOTS HIS CHAIR CLOSER AND ADJUSTS THE LENS.
SHE INHALES DEEPLY, BREATHING HIM IN.
MONICA (CONT'D)
(PLEASED) Mmm.
DR. BURKE
What?
MONICA
(CAUGHT) The, urn, machine smells
really good.
DR. BURKE
^ Really? Don't get that every day.
""The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 26.
—^ (II/K)
€ •
MONICA
(DYING) I bet not.
. DR. BURKE CLICKS IN A LENS.
DR. BURKE
Better? Or worse.
MONICA
Better.
• HIS FACE IS VERY CLOSE TO HERS. WHEN HE TALKS SHE CAN
ALMOST FEEL HIS BREATH ON HER CHEEK. THE MOOD IS
INCREASINGLY ELECTRIC.
DR. BURKE
(CLICKING) Better or worse?
MONICA
V Better.
DR. BURKE JUST WATCHES HER LIPS AS THEY MOVE...
DR. BURKE
Better or worse?
MONICA
B-better.
IT'S STARTING TO GET PRETTY HOT IN HERE...
DR. BURKE
Better or worse?
MONICA
Mmmmm, better.
IF EITHER OF THEM MOVED FORWARD TWO INCHES, THEY'D BE
KISSING. IF WE DID SPECIAL EFFECTS, YOU COULD ACTUALLY
f^' SEE THE SPARKS. DR. BURKE SUDDENLY PULLS THE MACHINE
AWAY FROM MONICA. THEY BOTH CATCH THEIR BREATH.
.3
I
""The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 27.
(II/K) c DR. BURKE
Okay... I think your current
prescription should do you for now.
MONICA
Excellent. That's... totally
excellent.
DR. BURKE TAKES HER HAND AND HELPS HER OUT OF THE
CHAIR. THEY DON'T LET GO.
DR. BURKE
So, it was great to see you again.
MONICA
Yeah, you too. Last night was fun.
.*"*- DR. BURKE
Yeah. It was great. Food was
great. Really great. I do know
other words besides "great", I just
can't think of them right now.
THEY SHARE A NERVOUS LAUGH.
DR. BURKE (CONT'D)
Yeah. (BEAT) So...
MONICA
So... uh, thanks for seeing me.
DR. BURKE
Sure and uh... say hi to Ross.
MONICA
I will.
A BEAT OF SILENCE. THEY'RE STILL HOLDING HANDS.
i
""The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 28.
~» (II/K)
(C
MONICA (CONT'D)
So I guess... bye. I'll see you —
DR.. BURKE
(NOT WANTING HER TO GO) Drops!
MONICA
I'm sorry?
HE GOES TO HIS TABLE, MONICA FOLLOWING BECAUSE THEY'RE
STILL HOLDING HANDS. HE STARTS GIVING HER PILES OF
SMALL DROP BOTTLES.
DR. BURKE
Drops. They're free. You'll love
them... they're really...
MONICA
> Great?
THEY BOTH LAUGH AGAIN.
MONICA (CONT'D)
I guess I should get going.
DR. BURKE
Okay. Yeah. See you later.
MONICA
All right. Bye. Thanks again.
SHE LEANS IN. HE GIVES HER A PECK ON THE CHEEK. AND
SUDDENLY THEY'RE BOTH KISSING. AND ON THIS KISS...
DISSOLVE TO:
y^H^K
^•The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 29.
(II/M)
(V
SCENE M
INT. JOEY AND CHANDLER'S APT. - THAT NIGHT (NIGHT 21
(Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, Ross)
THE GUYS ARE STILL SITTING IN THE CHAIRS, WATCHING TV.
PHOEBE SURVEYS THE ASSORTED JUNK AROUND THEM.
PHOEBE
We have got to get you Lazy Boys
out of these chairs!
JOEY
No, we don't.
CHANDLER
And, uh, we prefer Lazy Men.
PHOEBE
You have to leave this apartment.
JOEY
No. (LIKE "THE HULK") Inside
good. Outside bad.
PHOEBE
All right, I didn't want to have to
do this. But it's for your own
good. Evil be gone from this
place! (GRABBING REMOTE, CLICKING
OFF THE TV) There.
THE GUYS DON'T MOVE. THEY JUST KEEP STARING AT THE TV.
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 30.
(II/M)
/ v
CHANDLER
Oh, you can't defeat the Trinitron.
It will always win. Eventually,
you will have to go. But the
Trinitron will stay here. It will
come back on and it will entertain
us and we will watch.
CHANDLER GRABS A NEARBY BROOM AND USES IT. TO HIT THE
BUTTON ON THE TV, TURNING IT BACK ON.
PHOEBE
You guys are so pathet— (RE: TV)
Oh, "Xanadu!" Excellent!
-/^ SHE SITS DOWN TO WATCH.
JOEY
She is one of us now.
ROSS ENTERS. LOOKING VERY DAPPER.
ROSS
Well?
PHOEBE
Yeow! I must say, you look dandy.
This is gonna be one hot date.
JOEY
You got a date tonight? Who with?
/0^\
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 31.
^ (XI/M>
A
CHANDLER
(TO THE OTHERS, RE: JOEY) First
thing Monday, I'll be moving his
chair two feet further back from
the TV.
MONICA AND RACHEL ENTER. CARRYING BOXES OF CHINESE
TAKE-OUT FOOD. THEY ARE DRESSED TO GO OUT.
RACHEL
Okay, this is the last time we're
bringing your food over.
MONICA
And just so you know, we signed a
thirty dollar tip to your credit
card.
ROSS
Hey, Mon, why the dressy thing?
PHOEBE
(COYLY) You're not the only one
who has a date.
ROSS
You have a date? With who?
MONICA
No one.
ROSS
What's his name?
MONICA
Nothing.
""The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 32.
^ (II/M)
X
„i^»>\
ROSS
Come on. Spill.
MONICA
(DEEP BREATH) All right... you
remember Donnie Burke who lived
down the street?
ROSS
Mon... Donnie Burke is gay.
JOEY
(TO MONICA) Whoa. He must like
you a lot.
MONICA
(TENTATIVE) It's Richard Burke.
ROSS
Who's Richard Burke? (GETTING IT)
Dr. Burke? You have a date with
Dr. Burke?! Oh my god! He's like,
like, like... old!
MONICA
He's only forty-eight!
ROSS
That's old! He's Dad's age!
MONICA .
He is not! He's... two and half
^ years younger! And so what?
(MORE)
A
i
(C
"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 33.
(II/M)
>#^\
MONICA (CONT'D)
Just because a man is older,
doesn't mean he can't be
attractive.
PHOEBE
(TO ROSS) Yeah, what about Sean
Connery? Or... Santa Claus?
RACHEL
I remember Dr. Burke. He was the
cutest of all the neighborhood
dads. When it was his turn to
drive carpool, I used to sit in the
front seat and pretend we were
married.
MONICA
Uh, Rach? Cute memories like that
aren't helping.
ROSS
Monica, he's 21 years older than
you. He's, like, a whole personwho-
can-drink older than you.
MONICA
I can't believe you're getting hung
up on this. (LYING) It never even
occured to me that it would be an
issue. You're such an ageist.
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 34.
(II/M) <C
ROSS
Out of curiosity, when did this
attraction start? Was it recently,
or when you were, I don't know,
five and he saw you running
through his sprinklers in your
underpants?
MONICA
For your information, Richard is —
ROSS
(CAN'T GET USED TO IT) "Richard"?
MONICA
Yes, Richard is one of the
brightest, most sophisticated,
sexiest men I've ever gone out
with.
ROSS
Dr. Burke is sexy??
PHOEBE/RACHEL
Oh, yeah. Not a question.
MONICA
Now, if we're done with this, I
have a date with Richard...
(CHECKS WATCH) Oh, my god, in 15
minutes! . So... (ONLY HAS TIME FOR
GENERIC TAUNTING) nana nana nah.
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 35.
/USBSs, (II/M)
SHE EXITS IN A RUSH.
SFX: ROSS'S BEEPER GOES OFF
ROSS
(CHECKING IT) Damn. It's the
museum. Can I use your phone? (TO
RACHEL) Just take a second.
HE CROSSES TO THE PHONE.
RACHEL
(TO PHOEBE) You know, Dr. Burke
kissed me once.
PHOEBE
No! Get out!
V RACHEL
Uh huh. I crashed my bike in front
of his house when I was seven. And
to make me stop crying he kissed me
(INDICATES CHEEK) right here.
PHOEBE
You are so lucky!
ROSS
(ON THE PHONE) Australopithicus
isn't supposed to be in that
display. ... Well, somebody
obviously brought up the wrong
^^ mannequins. Is Leon there? ...
(MORE)
""The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 36.
(II/M)
V.ROSS
(CONT'D)
What kind of pills? All right,
you need to go into the storage
rooms under the big whale. Next to
the men's, room, you'll see a room
marked "Ancient Men". ... No,
not the — Look, I'll be there in
ten minutes.
RACHEL
("BUT, HUH?") Ross...?
ROSS
(COVERING PHONE, TO RACHEL) I'm
sorry. We can stop on the way to
the restaurant. I'll show him
where the right ones are and we'll
be out of there in five minutes.
(BACK INTO PHONE) How could Carl
confuse Homo Habilis and
Australopithicus? Homo Habilis was
erect. Australopithicus was
never fully erect.
CHANDLER
Maybe he was nervous.
CUT TO:
a
•The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 37.
(H/P)
"P
SCENE P
INT. MUSEUM DIORAMA - LATER THAT NIGHT (NIGHT 21
(Ross, Rachel, Carl)
THE DIORAMA ("WAITING FOR THE HUNTERS TO RETURN") IS IN
CHAOS. TREES ON THE GROUND AND VARIOUS MANNEQUIN PARTS
STREWN ABOUT THE FLOOR. A HOMO HABILIS WOMAN IS
POSTITIONED OUTSIDE THE CAVE ENTRANCE LOOKING OFF IN
THE DISTANCE. RACHEL PACES BACK AND FORTH LOOKING AT
HER WATCH, WORRIED. ROSS ENTERS. HELPING ANOTHER
MUSEUM GUY, CARL. CARRY A MANNEQUIN. HE WEARS ONLY A
LOINCLOTH. THE MANNEQUIN, NOT CAROL OR ROSS.
RACHEL
Where have you guys been? (RE:
FEMALE MANNEQUIN) We were getting
worried.
ROSS
(RE: HIS MANNEQUIN) We couldn't
find him. He was hiding in the
back trying to pass for a
Cro-Magnon, but his ridged forehead
gave him away. (OFF RACHEL'S BLANK
LOOK) It's a paleontology... joke.
(TO CARL) Go get the other one.
/S^V
CARL EXITS.
' RACHEL
How much longer?
''•The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/35 38.
ROSS
Two minutes. Promise. (NOTICES
SOMETHING) What is this? (HOLDS
UP A CLAY POT) Homo Habilis hasn't
even learned how to use tools yet
and they've got him with clay
pots?! Why don't they just give
him a microwave?
RACHEL
I... I wouldn't know.
ROSS
(ANNOYED) Carl?!
HE DASHES OFF AFTER CARL. RACHEL, FRUSTRATED, PACES
FOR A BEAT THEN SITS ON A ROCK NEXT TO THE MANNEQUIN
GUY. HER FACE IS RIGHT AT HIS WAIST. SHE LOOKS AT
HIM, THEN, AFTER MAKING SURE NO ONE'S AROUND, LIFTS UP
HIS LOIN CLOTH AND TAKES A PEEK. WITH AN IMPRESSED
SHRUG, SHE DROPS IT BACK DOWN.
CUT TO:
""The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 39.
rf$ife*\ Kit
SCENE R
INT. DR. BURKE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT (NIGHT 21
(Monica, Dr. Burke)
MONICA AND DR. BURKE ARE DRINKING WINE. MONICA IS
LOOKING AT A PHOTO ON THE FRIDGE.
MONICA
Oh my god! Is that Michelle?? I
haven't seen her since high school
graduation. God, that night she
got so dru... (CATCHING
HERSELF) ...motional.
SHE CROSSES BACK TO THE TABLE AND SITS.
DR. BURKE
You know she's having another baby.
MONICA
Didn't she just have one?
DR. BURKE
Henry just turned three.
MONICA
Oh my god...
jdS*^=S
""The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 40.
(II/R)
DR. BURKE
I got him this Ninja Turtle doll.
And he says to me, "It's not a
doll. It's a Ninja Turtle
figure. Grandpa."
THAT LAST WORD HITS MONICA.
MONICA
Wow. Grandpa.
DR. BURKE
Yep; That's what they call you
when your kids have kids.
THERE IS A BEAT OF SILENCE AS THEY BOTH CONTEMPLATE THE
"GRANDPA" THING. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER'.
DR. BURKE
Are we nuts, here?
MONICA
I don't know. Maybe a little. I
mean, I'm dating a man whose pool I
once peed in.
DR. BURKE
I didn't need to know that. (THEN)
You know, I tried telling myself
twenty years isn't that much of a
difference. But I guess it is a
lot of years to be different.
' MONICA
And what about my parents?
-"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 41.
(II/R)
DR. BURKE
Can you imagine? "Hey, Jack,
great racquetball game. By the
way, I'm dating your daughter." Do
you think he'd throw the racquet
at me or keep a good grip on it so
he could hit me over and over?
MONICA
I think he'd probably take yours
and do both.
DR. BURKE
Look, you should be going out with
someone your own age. Like my son.
Donnie'd be great for you. He's
always having trouble finding nice
women.
MONICA
Uh... I don't think I'm really...
Donnie's type. (THEN) So... what
are we saying here?
DR. BURKE
I don't know.
MONICA
Maybe it's just better if...
DR. BURKE
I know.
./*"*•,
"•'The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 42.
(II/R)
MONICA
I'm sorry. This sucks.
DR. BURKE
Yeah, it does.
THEY HUG. HE GIVES HER A KISS ON THE FOREHEAD. SHE
GIVES HIM ON THE CHEEK. HE GIVES HER ONE ON THE LIPS.
SHE GRABS HIS HEAD AND MAKES IT A GOOD ONE. THEN:
MONICA
I mean, we don't need to decide
anything now, do we?
DR. BURKE
No, no. There's no rush or
anything.
AS THEY KISS SOME MORE...
CUT TO:
r
y#S?V
The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 43.
(II/T)
SCENE T
INT. DIORAMA - LATER (NIGHT 21
(Ross, Rachel)
ROSS PUTS THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON A MANNEQUIN AS
RACHEL ENTERS.
ROSS
Hey, I'm done!
RACHEL
So is Sorrentino's. They closed
the kitchen an hour ago.
ROSS
Oh, I'm sorry. Well, let's go
someplace else.
RACHEL
You know what? It's late.
Everything's pretty much closed.
ROSS
Come on, we can find something.
RACHEL
I'm kinda tired. Why don't we just
do it another night?
• ROSS
No.
-II The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 44.
(II/T)
RACHEL
No?
ROSS
You wanted a romantic dinner,
you're getting a romantic dinner.
HE GRABS ONE OF THE FUR SKINS FROM THE DIORAMA AND
LEADS RACHEL OUT.
CUT TO:
/ i ^ ,
""The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 45.
j^S\ (H/W)
SCENE W
INT. PLANETARIUM - MOMENTS LATER (NIGHT 21
(Ross, Rachel, Narrator (V.O.))
ROSS LEADS RACHEL INTO THE ROOM. • THEY ARE CARRYING
VENDING MACHINE SANDWICHES AND BOXES OF JUICE. ROSS
HAS THE FUR SKIN OVER HIS SHOULDER.
RACHEL
What is this? What are we doing?
ROSS
Shhh. You want a Cran-apple or
•^- Cran-grape?
RACHEL TAKES ONE AS ROSS SETS THE FUR ON THE FLOOR AND
SETS THE FOOD IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
ROSS (CONT'D)
Sit.
SHE DOES AS ROSS WALKS OVER TO THE CONSOLE AND HITS A
SWITCH. THE LIGHTS DIM AND STARS BEGIN TO SHINE
OVERHEAD.
RACHEL
Oh my god.
ROSS IS HALFWAY BACK TO RACHEL WHEN...
NARRATOR (V.O.)
(BOOMING) "Billions of years ago,
the earth was born in a tremendous
^ ball of gas. This --"
ROSS RUNS BACK AND SHUTS THE NARRATION OFF.
""The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 46.
r- (II/W)
ROSS
Sorry.
HE JOINS RACHEL ON THE SKIN. THEY LOOK UP AT THE
"NIGHT SKY."
RACHEL
So, what are we looking at?
ROSS
Urn... see that little cluster of
stars next to the big ones? That's
Ursa Major.
RACHEL
Really?
ROSS
I have no idea. It could be.
RACHEL
(SMILES) Doesn't matter. They're
really far away.
ROSS
I'm sorry I had to work tonight.
RACHEL
It's okay. You were worth the
wait. And I don't just mean
tonight.
SHE LEANS IN AND BEGINS TO KISS HIM. IT'S A GOOD ONE.
ROSS'S HANDS MOVE DOWN RACHEL'S BACK. BEAT.
ROSS
You're not laughing.
"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 47.
(H/W)
RACHEL
(SMILES) This time it's not so
funny.
THEY GO BACK TO KISSING. AS THEY FALL BACK ONTO THE
ANIMAL SKIN, WE PAN UP TO THE CEILING. HEAVENS ARE
EXPLODING. STARS COLLIDE AND COMETS RACE AS THE
UNIVERSE IS BEING FORMED. YES, IT'S THE BIG BANG. AND
W E • • •
DISSOLVE TO:
The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 48.
(II/X)
SCENE X
INT. DIORAMA - NEXT MORNING (DAY 31
(Ross, Rachel, Schoolchildren)
RACHEL AND ROSS ARE ASLEEP, HALF IN, HALF OUT OF THE
CAVE. THEY ARE NAKED EXCEPT FOR A COUPLE OF FURS.
ROSS'S EYES OPEN. HE LOOKS AT RACHEL, SLEEPING. THEN
KISSES HER TO WAKE HER UP.
ROSS
Hi.
RACHEL
Hey, you.
THEY KISS. ROSS, STARING PAST RACHEL, SUDDENLY LOOKS
CONCERNED.
RACHEL
What?
ROSS
Uh, we're not alone.
RACHEL TURNS HER HEAD TO SEE WHAT HE'S STARING AT.
REVEAL: A LARGE GROUP OF SCHOOLCHILDREN STARING BACK
AT THEM THROUGH THE GLASS. ON ROSS AND RACHEL'S
REACTION...
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
•"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" Table Draft 12/22/95 49.
(II/Y)
TAG
SCENE Y
FADE IN:
INT. JOEY AND CHANDLER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (NIGHT 31
(Joey, Chandler)
JOEY AND CHANDLER ARE IN THE CHAIRS, WATCHING TV.
SUDDENLY THE BUILDING'S FIRE ALARM GOES OFF. THEY
CONTINUE TO WATCH FOR A BEAT.
JOEY
(EYES ON THE TV) Hey. Is that the
fire alarm?
CHANDLER
Yeah.
NOT TAKING HIS EYES OFF THE TV, CHANDLER PUTS HIS HAND
ON THE FLOOR, FEELING.
CHANDLER (CONT'D)
It's not warm yet. We have time.
JOEY
Cool.
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW
